Blue Christmas

I am writing this post not for pity, but because I really need to get my feelings out. We are having a really rough December. I can't even begin to explain how hard I was trying to enjoy this Christmas season. I have been trying to count my blessings, despite missing my mom so much this time of year. I have been trying to listen to Christmas music in my car. There are some songs I still can't get myself to listen to, but considering I used to boycott Christmas music entirely, I thought this was a step in the right direction. Even though my family and I have zero desire to decorate, put up a tree, etc I was able to do all that with my students this year. We have a cute little tree, we made stockings, and we are practicing for our version of the nativity for the school Christmas play. We have been doing so much charity work, that my class truly is in the spirit of giving. I really have been trying to be joyous, but we are having a really rough time of it. And I have an internal struggle with myself, where I remind myself of all the good things I have, while remembering all the difficulties others have. And yet...

A few weeks ago we had a lockdown at my school. It was truly one of the scariest moments of my life. A lockdown happens when there is an intruder in the building. I had to quickly hide my students in a corner, close the blinds, and lock the door. I knew it was a real lockdown because I could hear the panic in my principal's voice. She forgot to use the code word, and actually said, "This is a lockdown!" Then, a few minutes later, she returned to the loudspeaker and said, "All the children need to be in a classroom now!" It was so scary, I had kids crying, and one who begged me to "help him not to die, because he didn't want to get shot." I tried to keep everyone calm, and prayed with my students while my own hands were shaking. I really had thoughts in my head of what if this is the end, how do I keep them safe, clearly I have to stand in front of them if someone opens fire, but I am afraid to. So I prayed with them, told them all that I loved them, and that I would do my best to protect them. That seemed to comfort them, but it was such a scary 20 minutes. Ultimately, it turned out to be a custody problem, and fear of a non-custodial parent abducting their own child. But at the time, in that moment, I had no idea what the problem was. It was a very scary situation and I didn't cry until I stepped into my house that afternoon. I've had some nightmares since, and since my reoccuring dream is of myself getting shot, this didn't help any.

Then, I would say that this time of year is really rough on myself, Eric, and my dad. We all seem a little more tense than usual as we all wish that Christmas would just hurry up and pass us by already. Well, the three of us had a fight last Sunday, then we fought again this past Saturday night, and again this Sunday. Our fights have been over such trivial stuff. The thing is we all fully know how short life can be, and that we shouldn't be wasting time fighting over the little stuff. But that tension is there and anytime people live together it's bound to happen. Everyone does it. We are the meanest to the people we love the most because we think they will always be there, so we let our true selves shine through because we know we can get away with it. In our case, Eric's selfishness, my dad's hypocrisy and unbalanced personality, and my nerves which turn into nastiness, create a volitle combination that we tend not to let the outside world see. We go through cycles of where we are fine for awhile, have a fight, promise to try harder, and then it all starts again. Yesterday we all promised to earnestly take each other's feelings into consideration and put one another first. I hope it lasts because fights over raisins and showers does not seem like good enough reason to act the way we do sometimes. And like I said it's not like we don't know better, which makes it even worse, because we should value each other so much more than we do.

Finally, Ashley had been doing so well, up until today. Without going into the gross details, let's just say I found bodily functions from both ends of the body in literally every room of the house. Two trips to the vet later, this has been a horrible evening. She just doesn't seem herself and now she has to be confined to one of the bathrooms because we just finished scrubbing the entire house, and we can't physically or emotionally handle anymore messes tonight. She was doing so well, and things just don't seem good this time. I don't know what is going to happen, but to say my heart is breaking is an understatement. She was doing so well, and I just don't know what happened today. To think she just slept in my bed all night last night, to this is just awful. I pray that God will give us even more time with her, but I wonder at what point do my wishes stopped being granted.

In any event, I just really needed to get my thoughts out because it has been so bad. I don't want to have a pity party, I know I shouldn't, but I think the three of us are just having some feelings of being lost. It is not that my mom being here would change any of these circumstances, but that when things get rough, I see how incapable and weak the three of us really are without her. Everyone from the outside thinks we are all doing so well, but it is hard to see what its really like around here sometimes...