Starts with Goodbye

Yesterday and today I had my new teacher training for teachers new to the Catholic school system. Both days have gone incredibly well, and I have such a good feeling that this is where I belong. As an added bonus, one of my friends from college got a Catholic school job two days ago, and it has been so nice to go into an unfamiliar situation already knowing someone. Plus I have met a lot of wonderful other people too. Everyone has been really nice, and it’s great to spend time with other new teachers who have the same fears and hopes that I do.


One of the speakers yesterday asked us to reflect on what are our greatest hopes and our greatest fears as new teachers. My greatest hope is to impact the lives of each and every one of my 18 students. I am responsible for those 18 little lives. I want to teach them both their needed academic subjects, as well as hopefully develop their spiritual lives. I have a feeling they will impact me more than I will ever impact them, but I am going to try. I want to bring out the best in each student. I plan to help them further develop their strengths and increase their abilities in their weaknesses. This will hopefully coincide with increasing their confidences in themselves, and in their abilities to learn.


My greatest fear would be messing it up and my students not learning or achieving what they need to. I know I am going to give it my all, I just hope that is enough. My other main fear is the safety of my students. I just want them to learn in a safe environment both inside and outside of the classroom. This includes both their physical safety, as well as their mental and emotional safety. Next to their parents, these children will be spending more time with me than anyone else in their lives. So I just want them to be safe and learning at all times.


This summer has brought about an incredible amount of changes in my life. I have seen my friends all go off in different directions, and I am so proud and happy for all of them. Ever since graduating college, my friends and I have all had major real life changes happen for us. Kate had to take a risk and leave the comforts of home to begin her dreams of furthering her education in history. I know she will do amazing, and I admire her courage to live alone, something I am far from being able to do. Stevi and Joe got married this summer, at 22 and 23, and have dreams of buying a home in the near future. The two of them are so responsible with all of their decisions and I know it will happen for them. I admire their ability to research what they want in life, and how they are financially responsible enough to handle these types of decisions, something that I have not yet had to face. AJ started medical school today, and I admire her ability to take on such a challenging career path. She knows how hard she is going to have to work, and yet is willing to do it anyway.


I have faced a lot of changes myself this summer. As I just mentioned, I’ve watched my closest friends grow and challenge themselves in order to achieve their goals. Together we anxiously waited to see what our futures would hold, and now our real lives are actually beginning. I had a lot of ups and downs this summer related to my plans for employment for the fall. My last day in the Admissions office is Friday, and I know saying goodbye is going to be hard. Even when I stopped in to visit today, I knew things were different. I felt like I got a co-worker in trouble for chilling with me, so I will have to make sure to do more of my catching up outside of the office. However, I am so willing to fight to maintain those friendships no matter what it takes. Things will never be the same as they were, but it’s necessary for me to begin my new career. I got a teaching job, something I really didn’t think was going to happen for me this school year. I am so happy it did, and as nerve-racking as it is sometimes, I am really excited to be doing my real career that I have waited my whole life for. The changes and responsibilities it brings are really scary, but it is an amazing gift I have been given. I truly believe in my heart that I am going to have the greatest job in the world to wake up and go to. I absolutely love teaching and all that it entails. I am also eager to take on more of the financial responsibilities in my household. My dad has worked at the same job since the year I was born. He works so many hours a week, and yet he still does not make enough to support our household. I am happy to be able to relieve some of the stress that falls on him due to our household bills. When my dad, my brother, and I redid our household budget, I realized how much it truly costs to run a home. And it’s a lot! So I am glad to be able to help out more with the financial side to things.


I have also had to let go of some things this summer. If you read my blog frequently, you know how hard it was for me to clean out my closet. But I know it had to be done. Last weekend I arranged for my mom’s car to be picked up and donated. My brother literally drove it until it stopped working, before finally buying a new car. We couldn’t let it sit in the street and continue paying insurance on it, so we donated it to the Salvation Army. Nonetheless, it was really hard to have to give it away. That was the car my mom had driven for the last decade of her life. The car we rode in to visit relatives or go shopping together. The car with her crystal snowflake that my dad had given her for Christmas, and the bumper stickers of mine and my brother’s colleges plastered on the back window. The antennae that had her yellow smiley face on it, to represent her favorite store Wal-Mart. So I took a bunch of pictures of the car, and my dad removed any remnant of my mom from it before it was picked up. I couldn’t bear to watch it be taken away, and it makes me sad to think it’s not outside our house anymore. But what can you do? Anytime changes like this happen, it breaks my heart because it feels like I’m losing another piece of her and my memories of her. It might seem silly but I have repeatedly had to go through these kinds of hard changes, over the past three years, including when our dryer broke and my cell needed to be replaced. It’s hard when you lose someone you lived with because everything in your house reminds you of that person. Even though they are only things, things and my memories are all I have left. So I hold on to what I can.


So I am thankful that this summer I was inspired to start blogging. I love being able to have things down in writing, because then I can look back at it. I have a terrible memory so it’s useful to be able to refer to my old journals, and now this blog. I really intend to finish my memoir about my relationship with my mom. It’s such an emotionally exhausting task, but I really do want to work on it and finish it. I think it will be something that I will happy to have, but I also want to share it with those I love. I want those who never knew my mom to be able to hear all about her, so then maybe they can understand why it hurts so much. And for those who did know her, I want them to be able to rejoice in her memory with me.


In the car ride home from my teacher meeting Carrie Underwood’s song, “Starts with Goodbye” came across my iPod and the lyrics seemed so poignant for the phase of life that I am in. So I will leave you with part of that…


"I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
Starts with goodbye,
The only way you try to find,
Moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye..."